Pat My Butter

it took awhile, but the second set of rules are just as important as the first.

51.  Do not forget that even if your server is attractive, polite and helpful, it’s because it’s their job, not because they are interested in you.

52.  Never say “I hated it” when your plate is clean after a meal (and avoid other clichés servers have to hear all the time, “There’s no calories in this, are there?” for examples).

53.  Never ask if you can have extra bread to take home with you.

54.  Do not ask if the chef can come to your table and chat when you can see for yourself that the dining room is full.

55.  Never raise your hand like you’re in kindergarten, trying to get your server’s attention.

56.  Do not arrive and ask to be seated five minutes before the restaurant is open.

57.  If you come to a restaurant with children, control them.

58.  Do not expect the kitchen to be willing and able to do anything you want, and do not punish your server for not being able to work magic.  They are a server, not the chef.

59.  Do not act like a reservation is a contract.  Restaurants do their best to seat you on time, but the situation is often beyond their control.  Relax, have a drink, don’t let ten or fifteen minutes ruin your night.

60.  Do not forget that dining out is supposed to be fun.

61.  Do not act like it’s your server’s responsibility to make it fun.

62.  Do not ask what your server’s favorites are before opening the menu.  Your server might be vegan, your server might love the sweetbreads you hate.  What do you like?

63.  Do not forget to tip according to how needy you are.  To ask for a refill of iced tea is perfectly acceptable.  To ask for six is fine only if you acknowledge how much of your server’s time you’ve taken in the tip.

64.  Don’t be a jerk if a simple mistake is made (the wrong wine brought, the wrong appetizer delivered) if it’s resolved quickly and gracefully.  These things happen, they’re part of going out.

65.  Don’t forget to order clearly and efficiently.  Don’t force your server to pry it out of you.

66.  Don’t stash all your empty glassware at the far end of the table where the server can’t reach them.

67.  Do not ask, “Do you have a bathroom?”  Every restaurant in the U.S. has a bathroom.

68.  Do not yell, do not laugh obnoxiously.

69.  Don’t get impatient if your food doesn’t appear immediately – a well-done steak takes awhile to cook.

70.  Never say you’re allergic to something if you really just don’t like it.

71.  Do not write a complaint on the receipt to be discovered after you’ve left the restaurant.  If you have a problem, make it known as soon as possible so the restaurant can try and solve it!

72.  Do not order one coffee, share it between two people, and then ask for a refill.

73.  Don’t ask if the fish is fresh.  Any respectable chef (and in turn, waiter) would be insulted by this question.

74.  Do not not show up for your reservation.  Call and cancel like you would with any other appointment.

75.  Do not ask what wine your waiter recommends without giving them something to work with.  Tell them if you want white or red.  Tell them what you have in mind or what you usually like drinking.

76.  Never put your empty glasses, plates, anything, on a table other than your own.

77.  Do not put your feet, purse, or gifts in the aisle.

78.  Do not insist on sitting side by side.  It often takes up a larger table than two people need, and makes waiters uncomfortable.

79.  Don’t announce “It’s my birthday!” before you’ve even sat down to ensure a free dessert.  Let it come out naturally over the course of the meal.

80.  Do not propose in a restaurant unless you’re sure she’ll say yes!

81.  Do not bring in a wine that is on the restaurant’s list.  It’s awkward for a restaurant to tell you you can’t drink it, and easy for you to call ahead of time and check.

82.  Do not ask for a side of anything you don’t see somewhere on the menu.

83.  Don’t skip the tasting of wine you bring in because you “can’t return it”.  There’s no point in your server pouring it (and then pouring it back into the bottle so you can return it, then replacing the glasses) if it’s going to turn out to be bad.

84.  Never ask to have one bite of food boxed.  Just eat it when it’s fresh and save a box.

85.  Don’t complain if a dish you had something you don’t like left out of (meat, onions, olive oil) doesn’t taste right.

86.  Do not criticize your food after you’ve made sure your waiter is within hearing distance.  Be an adult and tell them if there’s a problem.

87.  Do not bring your laptop to dinner.

88.  Do not go into the kitchen.  Do not go behind the bar.  Do not reach behind the bar and take something.

89.  Do not blow out the candle on your table.

90.  Unless it’s a place known for their bar program, do not order an obscure drink at a restaurant.

91.  Do not ask your server (whether you are joking or not) if they will help you sing for someone’s birthday.

92.  Do not forget that restaurants have a corkage option so that you can bring that special bottle every once in awhile.  It’s not so you can bring a cheap bottle from the mini mart and save a few bucks.

93.  Do not involve your waiter in your personal arguments at your table.  This includes those about what you are going to order.

94.  Don’t ask your waiter to peel the label off your wine bottle so you can save it.  Almost no waiter has time to do this – just ask them to write down all of the necessary information.

95.  Don’t order something and then ask your waiter, “Is that good?”  Are you really looking for an honest answer?

96.  Never complain about a food for having it’s own qualities (mackerel being fishy, venison being gamey).

97.  Do not ask to have a recipe written down for you in the middle of a busy night (you know when it’s busy).  Neither your waiter or the chef has time.  Just call the next day.

98.  Do not toss your napkin on your plate when you’re done eating.  It’s gross and makes stacking plates difficult.

99.  Don’t ask for something every time your server walks by the table – fresh pepper, a new napkin, a different fork, water without ice, lemon for your water, the history of salad….you’re there to enjoy the company of your dining companions.  Just do that!

100.  Don’t forget to be nice!  Simply being a decent human being is the easiest way to get great service.